Driving Whilst on the Mobile ...

Whilst walking around Grantham, or indeed any other conurbation these days, I frequently have to step nimbly out of the way of the present day equivalent of Boudicca’s chariot – the dreaded mobility scooter.  They tend to be driven on crowded urban pavements by Jeremy Clarkson wannabees and whoa betide anyone who isn’t sharp enough on their toes to get out of the way.  Pensioners, toddlers and the infirm stand little chance when the pavement equivalent of the Range Rover is heading for cut price comfy slippers from Aldi.

They’re not just driven on pavements, however – this photo from The Telegraph shows one on the M20 motorway at Cheriton that had been stopped by Police whilst doing 8 mph in the hard shoulder.  Had he been doing 8 mph on the M25, he’d have been done for speeding.  Another example was pictured in The Mirror on the A27 near Shoreham whilst happily trundling down to the Post Office.  In Bognor Regis.  That’s what happens when you close all the local Post Office counters.

None of these examples quite matched the out and out bravery or sheer lunacy and arrogance – take your pick – of the sight I witnessed today.  I was travelling on a steam train between Orton Mere and Ferry Meadows when at the Yacht Club crossing, one such buggy pulled out in front of the train.  Despite frantic blasts from the locomotive’s whistle, the driver of the scooter seemed unperturbed at the approach of the 117-ton loco and it’s six coaches.  I’d had my head stuck out of the window of the leading coach for this stretch of line as I often do, and couldn’t believe that the cart kept on coming at a snail’s pace over the steeply graded incline to reach the tracks.  More whistles and a brake application were followed by the buggy disappearing from view, so I popped over to the other side of the coach to find out if the NVR now had a new item of rolling stock to add to their collection.  Well, he’d made it by a narrow margin, although I wouldn’t want to get too close to his Y-fronts.   As we past by this ‘gentleman’, he was angrily sticking up two fingers at the passing train.  At first I couldn’t believe his arrogance – although now I come to think about previous experiences with many of these buggies, I most certainly can.

Boudicca’s defeat at the hands of the Romans came about despite her legendary chariot with knives being able to flay the enemy forces as she charged through.  Had she had a fleet of mobility scooters to take into battle on the day that Lidl were knocking out knitted hot water bottle covers, then perhaps things would have turned out completely differently.