My challenge at work today was an afternoon trip to deliver 5 cars to a new customer in Loughborough. The words New Customer always fill me with dread. I didn't put the address in Tom-Tom; I just told it to find a really, really stupidly moronic place to put a car dealership and make sure there was no access for anything larger than a frog with a backpack. Then I typed in the address, and sure enough, they matched. One of the problems these days is that many new car dealers have sprung up who aren’t actually car dealers at all; they buy a handful cars from the auction and sell them from their house. Great - just tell us that before we send a lorry down your cul-de-sac!
Getting into Loughborough was the first problem, on account of every road ending up at the Midland Mainline Railway, which had obviously been designed by an engineer who was a midget and hoped the idea might catch on. Bridges? I've seen bigger culverts. After a lengthy diversion, which took in two more low bridges, I finally found a layby, cunningly disguised as a Bus Stop. I was therefore able to stop and plan a route via the only bridge that actually goes over the railway, and was of course, the official diversionary route. This was why it went through a village the size of Emmerdale, had a 7.5 ton weight limit (except for loading or vehicles over 12'6 - which is everything). Once in Loughborough, the fun really began. I couldn't turn left to access the road that would eventually lead to his street on account of a large Sprinter van casually parked slap-bang on the corner unloading rolls of carpet. The road looked do-able, with a lot of caution, thanks to the narrow roadway being flanked by two rows of casually abandoned cars – what the residents fondly imagine to be ‘parking.’ Yeah, right, it looked like Basra marketplace 10 minutes after a bomb had gone off.
In order to ascertain how close I could get to my intended destination, I parked up at a designated car transporter holding bay (yellow lines) and rang him. Naturally, he didn't answer. I figured on carrying on until I found a roundabout, which, everywhere else in Leicestershire, occur at 50-yard intervals. Well, you don’t need me to tell you that there wasn't a roundabout between me and Little Snot in the Intestine, so after six fruitless miles I turned round in a school entrance which was the only place I could get in without hitting anything solid (kids aren't solid and don't scratch the paint ). I performed one of my best ever 3-point turns (play to your audience), and headed back to hell. On the way the customer rang me back, and told me how I might be able to get in. The word 'might' really inspires confidence. Well, I was able to execute a right-hand turn and avoid the carpet-carrying Sprinter van that was still there, although they’d finished unloading the carpets and had decided that now would be a really great place to stop for a cuppa. Nice one. So I slowly threaded my way down between the dumped cars. It was tight – enough room for me and a gnat each side, as long as the gnat didn’t have a hard-on. Eventually I got in to the cul-de-sac at the bottom, but it took a 19-point shunt and then I blocked the road to unload because I couldn't get into the ‘dealership’ on account of it being the domestic garage at his house. Of course. So I dropped all 5 cars off and left him to sort them out himself.
Then I had to get back out; this was easier than I thought because I just clipped the corner and drove over the path, but it was either that or a parked Audi - (Oh Lord, lead me not into temptation.....) and I threaded my way out back onto the main road. Whereupon I promptly missed my exit from Loughborough, and found myself heading back to the low bridges. Oh joy, oh bliss, can today get any better? Only alternative – divert through the town centre and head for Leicester (i.e., the opposite direction) until I found the A46 and was back on familiar territory, heading for the first layby and a well earned cup of coffee.
In order to ascertain how close I could get to my intended destination, I parked up at a designated car transporter holding bay (yellow lines) and rang him. Naturally, he didn't answer. I figured on carrying on until I found a roundabout, which, everywhere else in Leicestershire, occur at 50-yard intervals. Well, you don’t need me to tell you that there wasn't a roundabout between me and Little Snot in the Intestine, so after six fruitless miles I turned round in a school entrance which was the only place I could get in without hitting anything solid (kids aren't solid and don't scratch the paint ). I performed one of my best ever 3-point turns (play to your audience), and headed back to hell. On the way the customer rang me back, and told me how I might be able to get in. The word 'might' really inspires confidence. Well, I was able to execute a right-hand turn and avoid the carpet-carrying Sprinter van that was still there, although they’d finished unloading the carpets and had decided that now would be a really great place to stop for a cuppa. Nice one. So I slowly threaded my way down between the dumped cars. It was tight – enough room for me and a gnat each side, as long as the gnat didn’t have a hard-on. Eventually I got in to the cul-de-sac at the bottom, but it took a 19-point shunt and then I blocked the road to unload because I couldn't get into the ‘dealership’ on account of it being the domestic garage at his house. Of course. So I dropped all 5 cars off and left him to sort them out himself.
Then I had to get back out; this was easier than I thought because I just clipped the corner and drove over the path, but it was either that or a parked Audi - (Oh Lord, lead me not into temptation.....) and I threaded my way out back onto the main road. Whereupon I promptly missed my exit from Loughborough, and found myself heading back to the low bridges. Oh joy, oh bliss, can today get any better? Only alternative – divert through the town centre and head for Leicester (i.e., the opposite direction) until I found the A46 and was back on familiar territory, heading for the first layby and a well earned cup of coffee.
"It didn't look very big parked up in your yard."
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