Martinis, Guns and Girls

The stunning country park at Ferry Meadows offers visitors a great deal of diverse family entertainment, making it the perfect destination for the recent bank holiday.  There's always lots of interesting things to see, but on Saturday afternoon several heads were turned at the sight of a gorgeous girl wearing a stunning Balenciaga evening dress and Manolos (posh shoes to the uninitiated) whilst toting an Ingram submachine gun, two Samurai swords and a Magnum – and no, I’m not talking ice cream here.  

Not that there was anything for the surprised visitors at Overton Lake to worry about; this wasn’t a cunning disguise by an Al Qaeda suicide bomber or even an attempt to bring order to the pitch and putt.  It was simply another Grumpy Git photoshoot with Model Sian on one of our inspired theme days.

Sian has previously worked with me on two full-day shoots and we’ve created nine diverse photo galleries for my portfolio as a result.  You’d think she’d have had enough of me by now; most people find 2 days with me 1½ days too much.  But she’s a glutton for punishment and accepted my offer for another shoot to be held at Ferry Meadows.  Spike would also be coming along as on the previous occasions; he makes a great ideas man and suggests some interesting poses that vary from unusual to 'take out a life insurance policy before attempting this idea.'

Prior to working on the guns and girls theme we’d started the day on a shoot based on a homage to the classic film The Railway Children.  This was a pet project of mine, involving Sian in period costume standing by the railway line and waving at a passing steam train, while all the passengers waved back.  Another scene I wanted to recreate was the landslide, featuring Sian running down the tracks towards the approaching train waving her red knickers as a warning to the driver.  For some reason the Nene Valley Railway management weren’t sold on this idea during a bank holiday weekend.

In the event the shoot didn’t go quite as planned.  Our timings didn’t coincide with the steam train, and instead we got a class 31 diesel with olive green Danish coaches that don’t have opening windows – thus preventing the sea of waving hands I’d hoped for.  So although the photos weren’t bad, they were too one dimensional to create the scene I required.  Sorry, Sian – we’ll have to re-shoot this one.  If nothing else the shoot provided the railway crews on the day with much amusement as I discovered when turning up for my Sunday duty.

Whilst waiting for the train in the area of Lynch Bridge we filled the time with some riverside photos of a country girl scene, which I’m pleased with.  On the opposite bank of the River Nene, a man was fishing from the embankment.  Spike came up with the brilliant idea of Sian holding her arm out and seeming to catch the fisherman in a pincer movement of her fingers, in a sort of Lilliputian style.  Amazing idea, but incredibly difficult to create in practise.  Sian lined up roughly in position, and then had to hold her arm out while I directed her just like Bob Monkhouse in The Golden Shot.  Left a bit .. down an inch … up a tad … right an inch.  What made it even more difficult was that Sian’s idea of an inch is very different to mine.  My idea of an inch is much smaller than her idea of an inch, which goes a long way to explain why I’ve always been greeted with so much disappointment in the bedroom over the years.  Nevertheless, after numerous attempts Sian was all lined up.  I pressed the shutter just as the daft bugger stood up.  So I hope he caught an old tyre and a Tesco trolley for his fish supper.

It was time for a change of location and new outfit, and more importantly, lunch at the café.  As we walked back I heard the unmistakable toot of the steam train’s whistle as it approached in the distance.  We were close to Lynch Wood overbridge at this point, so we legged it up the path – Sian still in her swirly skirt and heeled boots – and arrived just as the train was approaching.  There was no time for a composed shot; Spike simply lifted Sian up and unceremoniously dumped her onto the parapet while I snapped away.  Full credit to her for managing to compose herself into a pose, and the shots were really rather effective.  And you thought a model’s life was easy and glamorous!  Not on my shoots it isn’t…

And so to lunch.  Despite her petite and shapely frame, Sian put away a substantial tuna melt, a dessert and a piece of chocolate cake the size of Belgium.  She decided to leave her packet of biscuits ‘for later’.  I don’t know where she put it; Kate Moss doesn’t put that much away in a year.  Still, it was pleasant to work with someone who knows how to eat; I’d struggle with anyone who nibbles at a lettuce leaf and decides that they’re full up.

With lunch over, Sian got dressed into a particularly fetching dress I’ve seen in her portfolio, as it would look good in the freestyle shoot around the park I had planned for the afternoon.  First stop was at a strange sculpture that to my mind looks like a cactus on a huge golf ball.  Sian thought it resembled something entirely different, but then again, she’s worked on an Ann Summers show.  ‘Nuff said.  Spike came up with another wacky idea for a photo – Sian was sitting on a park bench and he suggested that I climb up and balance on the armrest and backrest, then shoot vertically downwards at the reclining Sian.  This took a lot of doing; I could barely balance and kept weaving back and forth and falling off; always trying to fall backwards because if I fell forwards I’d land on top of Sian.  Which I really don’t think she’d enjoy.  The second problem was that while I was doing my tellytubby balancing act, Sian kept bursting out laughing.  Eventually we cracked it, much to the amusement and amazement of a fairly large crowd who’d gathered to watch the proceedings.  It’s not often you see an old git straddling a young lady on a park bench under the shadow of a giant dildo.  You couldn’t make it up.

From there we moved rapidly to the small Lynch Lake, where Spike had an idea that rather un-nerved me, I must say.  There is a narrow wooden railing to stop people falling into the lake, and he suggested that Sian balance on this on all fours like a cat.  Do what?  The railing was a couple of inches wide, and it seemed impossible to me that she could possibly balance.  Nevertheless, Sian is a trooper and will try anything to give you a photo, so up she got with Spike’s assistance.  I got lined up; Spike moved out of shot and I took half a dozen pictures.  Then Spike moved in to catch her before she fell off.  Sian still managed a great pose despite the difficulties, and the picture is amazing.  I mention this here because to see her relaxed look and smile belies the effort that she put into getting the picture.  Talk about going the extra mile!

Although I had lots of plans for the afternoon, at that point I received a call from Captain Bob of Poshboatz to say that the weather was closing in.  This was significant because we had an evening shoot booked on the boat, but Bob recommended that we bring it forwards before the rain came.  Sound advice – so Sian went off to change for the centrepiece shoot of the day: Bond Girl!  I’d wanted to use Bob’s boat for a shoot since I first met Sian, but rather than the traditional bikini shoot I thought that the luxurious leather interior and distinctive shape of the craft would suit an elegant and glamorous theme instead.  Thus the Bond Girl idea was born; a fabulous gown and heels with Sian sipping Martinis and posing with guns whilst the boat cruised around the lake – fantastic!

Spike and Sian eagerly accepted this theme, and I’d brought along a dinky little ladies handgun as an accessory to pose with.  Then Spike opened the boot of his car and produced enough heavy artillery to start a war.  An Ingram submachine gun; Magnum 44 and two genuine four-foot long Samurai swords to be exact.  Sian got dressed into a beautiful flowing lilac dress, and toting her armoury made her way to the boat, emptying Ferry Meadows along the way as families dived for cover.

Bob took us out onto the lake for some gentle circuits, followed by two high-speed runs to create a fantastic wake for the photographs.  The high-speed runs look extremely impressive when viewed from the shore and may be seen in a promo video I made for Poshboatz last year, entitled The Fast and The Curious.  Then it was Sian’s turn to take the captain’s cap and take ‘control’ of the cruiser; albeit without power just in case!  After all, although I wanted a nautical theme I didn’t really want to remake Titanic.  Naturally Sian took this new role in her stride; after all, since working with me she’s driven steam locomotives, tractors and lorries, so a boat was the natural progression.  It’ll be planes next …

The final part of the shoot was Bond Girl with guns, a role which Sian seemed to relish a bit too enthusiastically.  If her bank manager annoys her then expect the Stamford branch of Natwest to disappear in hail of lead.  The gun pictures worked well and I’m pleased with them.  Once Sian had blown away every living organism off the face of the earth we set up the final scenes – the Martini shots.  This was pure relaxation, elegance and glamour.  I’d won some strange coloured wine in a raffle a few months ago; you know the sort of rubbish you could only ever win in a raffle and then give to your Aunty Lucy at Christmas.  Fortunately I hadn’t thrown it out or used it as brake fluid in the car, and decided that because of the orangey-pink colour it would make an ideal prop.  Well, it most certainly did that and no mistake, especially when it caught the light.  The downside, as Sian eloquently informed me, was that ‘it tastes like shit.’  Well, you can’t have everything.

The photos from the Poshboatz shoot were pretty stunning and I know that Sian is happy with them too; always an important personal consideration of mine.  Therefore we headed back to shore, with the plan being to continue the Bond theme on land to obtain complimentary photos to complete the set.  Unfortunately Bob’s weather forecast had been spot on, and within minutes a torrential downpour descended upon us.  Worse still, the café was now shut.  Most models would give up and go home at this stage, but Spike has his own recording studio near Wansford and they very kindly offered me the opportunity to use it as a studio for the rest of the day.

We drove on over to the studio, which presented me with an interesting opportunity.  I’ve never done studio work before, and my lighting kit consists of … er, nothing.  Still, the camera had flash so let’s give it a go.  We began with a gangster’s moll outfit from the prohibition era – Sian in a slinky red dress, trilby hat and wearing a belt that was an actually an ammunition belt from a machine gun.  To complete the effect, Sian sported a Kalashnikov.  You know, I’m sure these two go and blag banks or hijack planes at weekends.

From moll we worked back to the simple red dress and experimented with light, settings and poses.  It seemed strange at first under studio conditions as I’ve always worked in landscapes and concentrated on background as much as foreground for my images.  Nevertheless, it was interesting to try, and the advantage of a plain background is that it can be edited out and the subject placed on a new picture to create a scene like this:

After the red dress it was time for a new outfit; I suggested a simple skirt and top look for a change.  I’d seen a very fetching pale blue and black mesh bodice style top in Sian’s suitcase and suggested it as the top.  “No problem,” replied Sian.  “I’m wearing matching undies; will they do?”  Will they do?!!!  Can a duck swim …?

Needless to say I’ve not done an undies shoot before, but Sian is an experienced lingerie model and really enjoys the genre as it presents an opportunity for creative and exaggerated poses that work well in this context.  We worked on some ideas; then Sian performed a whole series of poses that altered each time I clicked the shutter to create a new look with every shot.  These worked well and in the future I’d certainly like to delve deeper into lingerie.  Oh come on, you know what I mean …

To round off the day Sian put on a wraparound sarong, and using various instruments from the studio I shot a set of musician photos.  These were not entirely staged as Sian is also a singer and has recorded the song Going Far that she co-wrote with Spike who created the music and recorded the song.  They are an imaginative and creative pair; at least when they’re not turning over local Post Offices with shotguns.  The studio experience was extremely useful and the pictures turned out better than I’d hoped for, especially considering the fact that I was relying entirely on flash and slow shutter speeds.

That was the shoot done; an exhausting but exhilarating day that I thoroughly enjoyed and Sian certainly seemed to have a lot of fun.  The three of us make a good team and we spent some time discussing new ideas for future projects together.  Sian has always liked my relaxed approach to shoots – start with a coffee and chat; have fun, enjoy it and exchange ideas along the way.  Some photographers want you in the door: get working, click, click, bye bye.  I prefer to spend some time getting to know whoever I’m working with; make them feel welcome, appreciated and above all remember that a model is still a person first and a model second.  But as I told Sian at one point during the Railway Children shoot, “I’m not a normal photographer.”  “No”, she replied ruefully.  “You’re not even a normal person.”  That’s the highest accolade I’ve ever been paid, a comment I truly treasure.

Photo sets from this shoot will be made available at my Gallery as they are produced.

Sincere thanks to ‘Captain’ Bob Currell of Poshboatz for the use of the boat for the Bond Girl scenes.

Many thanks also to Spike Nepenthe of Nepenthe Recording Studios for providing a studio at such short notice to enable completion of the shoot.

Finally, of course, thanks again to Model Sian who gave her all with endless enthusiasm and energy throughout the day once again.  Any photographer looking for a model should book her right now.