Martinis, Guns and Girls

The stunning country park at Ferry Meadows offers visitors a great deal of diverse family entertainment, making it the perfect destination for the recent bank holiday.  There's always lots of interesting things to see, but on Saturday afternoon several heads were turned at the sight of a gorgeous girl wearing a stunning Balenciaga evening dress and Manolos (posh shoes to the uninitiated) whilst toting an Ingram submachine gun, two Samurai swords and a Magnum – and no, I’m not talking ice cream here.  

Not that there was anything for the surprised visitors at Overton Lake to worry about; this wasn’t a cunning disguise by an Al Qaeda suicide bomber or even an attempt to bring order to the pitch and putt.  It was simply another Grumpy Git photoshoot with Model Sian on one of our inspired theme days.

Sian has previously worked with me on two full-day shoots and we’ve created nine diverse photo galleries for my portfolio as a result.  You’d think she’d have had enough of me by now; most people find 2 days with me 1½ days too much.  But she’s a glutton for punishment and accepted my offer for another shoot to be held at Ferry Meadows.  Spike would also be coming along as on the previous occasions; he makes a great ideas man and suggests some interesting poses that vary from unusual to 'take out a life insurance policy before attempting this idea.'

Prior to working on the guns and girls theme we’d started the day on a shoot based on a homage to the classic film The Railway Children.  This was a pet project of mine, involving Sian in period costume standing by the railway line and waving at a passing steam train, while all the passengers waved back.  Another scene I wanted to recreate was the landslide, featuring Sian running down the tracks towards the approaching train waving her red knickers as a warning to the driver.  For some reason the Nene Valley Railway management weren’t sold on this idea during a bank holiday weekend.

In the event the shoot didn’t go quite as planned.  Our timings didn’t coincide with the steam train, and instead we got a class 31 diesel with olive green Danish coaches that don’t have opening windows – thus preventing the sea of waving hands I’d hoped for.  So although the photos weren’t bad, they were too one dimensional to create the scene I required.  Sorry, Sian – we’ll have to re-shoot this one.  If nothing else the shoot provided the railway crews on the day with much amusement as I discovered when turning up for my Sunday duty.

Whilst waiting for the train in the area of Lynch Bridge we filled the time with some riverside photos of a country girl scene, which I’m pleased with.  On the opposite bank of the River Nene, a man was fishing from the embankment.  Spike came up with the brilliant idea of Sian holding her arm out and seeming to catch the fisherman in a pincer movement of her fingers, in a sort of Lilliputian style.  Amazing idea, but incredibly difficult to create in practise.  Sian lined up roughly in position, and then had to hold her arm out while I directed her just like Bob Monkhouse in The Golden Shot.  Left a bit .. down an inch … up a tad … right an inch.  What made it even more difficult was that Sian’s idea of an inch is very different to mine.  My idea of an inch is much smaller than her idea of an inch, which goes a long way to explain why I’ve always been greeted with so much disappointment in the bedroom over the years.  Nevertheless, after numerous attempts Sian was all lined up.  I pressed the shutter just as the daft bugger stood up.  So I hope he caught an old tyre and a Tesco trolley for his fish supper.

It was time for a change of location and new outfit, and more importantly, lunch at the café.  As we walked back I heard the unmistakable toot of the steam train’s whistle as it approached in the distance.  We were close to Lynch Wood overbridge at this point, so we legged it up the path – Sian still in her swirly skirt and heeled boots – and arrived just as the train was approaching.  There was no time for a composed shot; Spike simply lifted Sian up and unceremoniously dumped her onto the parapet while I snapped away.  Full credit to her for managing to compose herself into a pose, and the shots were really rather effective.  And you thought a model’s life was easy and glamorous!  Not on my shoots it isn’t…

And so to lunch.  Despite her petite and shapely frame, Sian put away a substantial tuna melt, a dessert and a piece of chocolate cake the size of Belgium.  She decided to leave her packet of biscuits ‘for later’.  I don’t know where she put it; Kate Moss doesn’t put that much away in a year.  Still, it was pleasant to work with someone who knows how to eat; I’d struggle with anyone who nibbles at a lettuce leaf and decides that they’re full up.

With lunch over, Sian got dressed into a particularly fetching dress I’ve seen in her portfolio, as it would look good in the freestyle shoot around the park I had planned for the afternoon.  First stop was at a strange sculpture that to my mind looks like a cactus on a huge golf ball.  Sian thought it resembled something entirely different, but then again, she’s worked on an Ann Summers show.  ‘Nuff said.  Spike came up with another wacky idea for a photo – Sian was sitting on a park bench and he suggested that I climb up and balance on the armrest and backrest, then shoot vertically downwards at the reclining Sian.  This took a lot of doing; I could barely balance and kept weaving back and forth and falling off; always trying to fall backwards because if I fell forwards I’d land on top of Sian.  Which I really don’t think she’d enjoy.  The second problem was that while I was doing my tellytubby balancing act, Sian kept bursting out laughing.  Eventually we cracked it, much to the amusement and amazement of a fairly large crowd who’d gathered to watch the proceedings.  It’s not often you see an old git straddling a young lady on a park bench under the shadow of a giant dildo.  You couldn’t make it up.

From there we moved rapidly to the small Lynch Lake, where Spike had an idea that rather un-nerved me, I must say.  There is a narrow wooden railing to stop people falling into the lake, and he suggested that Sian balance on this on all fours like a cat.  Do what?  The railing was a couple of inches wide, and it seemed impossible to me that she could possibly balance.  Nevertheless, Sian is a trooper and will try anything to give you a photo, so up she got with Spike’s assistance.  I got lined up; Spike moved out of shot and I took half a dozen pictures.  Then Spike moved in to catch her before she fell off.  Sian still managed a great pose despite the difficulties, and the picture is amazing.  I mention this here because to see her relaxed look and smile belies the effort that she put into getting the picture.  Talk about going the extra mile!

Although I had lots of plans for the afternoon, at that point I received a call from Captain Bob of Poshboatz to say that the weather was closing in.  This was significant because we had an evening shoot booked on the boat, but Bob recommended that we bring it forwards before the rain came.  Sound advice – so Sian went off to change for the centrepiece shoot of the day: Bond Girl!  I’d wanted to use Bob’s boat for a shoot since I first met Sian, but rather than the traditional bikini shoot I thought that the luxurious leather interior and distinctive shape of the craft would suit an elegant and glamorous theme instead.  Thus the Bond Girl idea was born; a fabulous gown and heels with Sian sipping Martinis and posing with guns whilst the boat cruised around the lake – fantastic!

Spike and Sian eagerly accepted this theme, and I’d brought along a dinky little ladies handgun as an accessory to pose with.  Then Spike opened the boot of his car and produced enough heavy artillery to start a war.  An Ingram submachine gun; Magnum 44 and two genuine four-foot long Samurai swords to be exact.  Sian got dressed into a beautiful flowing lilac dress, and toting her armoury made her way to the boat, emptying Ferry Meadows along the way as families dived for cover.

Bob took us out onto the lake for some gentle circuits, followed by two high-speed runs to create a fantastic wake for the photographs.  The high-speed runs look extremely impressive when viewed from the shore and may be seen in a promo video I made for Poshboatz last year, entitled The Fast and The Curious.  Then it was Sian’s turn to take the captain’s cap and take ‘control’ of the cruiser; albeit without power just in case!  After all, although I wanted a nautical theme I didn’t really want to remake Titanic.  Naturally Sian took this new role in her stride; after all, since working with me she’s driven steam locomotives, tractors and lorries, so a boat was the natural progression.  It’ll be planes next …

The final part of the shoot was Bond Girl with guns, a role which Sian seemed to relish a bit too enthusiastically.  If her bank manager annoys her then expect the Stamford branch of Natwest to disappear in hail of lead.  The gun pictures worked well and I’m pleased with them.  Once Sian had blown away every living organism off the face of the earth we set up the final scenes – the Martini shots.  This was pure relaxation, elegance and glamour.  I’d won some strange coloured wine in a raffle a few months ago; you know the sort of rubbish you could only ever win in a raffle and then give to your Aunty Lucy at Christmas.  Fortunately I hadn’t thrown it out or used it as brake fluid in the car, and decided that because of the orangey-pink colour it would make an ideal prop.  Well, it most certainly did that and no mistake, especially when it caught the light.  The downside, as Sian eloquently informed me, was that ‘it tastes like shit.’  Well, you can’t have everything.

The photos from the Poshboatz shoot were pretty stunning and I know that Sian is happy with them too; always an important personal consideration of mine.  Therefore we headed back to shore, with the plan being to continue the Bond theme on land to obtain complimentary photos to complete the set.  Unfortunately Bob’s weather forecast had been spot on, and within minutes a torrential downpour descended upon us.  Worse still, the café was now shut.  Most models would give up and go home at this stage, but Spike has his own recording studio near Wansford and they very kindly offered me the opportunity to use it as a studio for the rest of the day.

We drove on over to the studio, which presented me with an interesting opportunity.  I’ve never done studio work before, and my lighting kit consists of … er, nothing.  Still, the camera had flash so let’s give it a go.  We began with a gangster’s moll outfit from the prohibition era – Sian in a slinky red dress, trilby hat and wearing a belt that was an actually an ammunition belt from a machine gun.  To complete the effect, Sian sported a Kalashnikov.  You know, I’m sure these two go and blag banks or hijack planes at weekends.

From moll we worked back to the simple red dress and experimented with light, settings and poses.  It seemed strange at first under studio conditions as I’ve always worked in landscapes and concentrated on background as much as foreground for my images.  Nevertheless, it was interesting to try, and the advantage of a plain background is that it can be edited out and the subject placed on a new picture to create a scene like this:

After the red dress it was time for a new outfit; I suggested a simple skirt and top look for a change.  I’d seen a very fetching pale blue and black mesh bodice style top in Sian’s suitcase and suggested it as the top.  “No problem,” replied Sian.  “I’m wearing matching undies; will they do?”  Will they do?!!!  Can a duck swim …?

Needless to say I’ve not done an undies shoot before, but Sian is an experienced lingerie model and really enjoys the genre as it presents an opportunity for creative and exaggerated poses that work well in this context.  We worked on some ideas; then Sian performed a whole series of poses that altered each time I clicked the shutter to create a new look with every shot.  These worked well and in the future I’d certainly like to delve deeper into lingerie.  Oh come on, you know what I mean …

To round off the day Sian put on a wraparound sarong, and using various instruments from the studio I shot a set of musician photos.  These were not entirely staged as Sian is also a singer and has recorded the song Going Far that she co-wrote with Spike who created the music and recorded the song.  They are an imaginative and creative pair; at least when they’re not turning over local Post Offices with shotguns.  The studio experience was extremely useful and the pictures turned out better than I’d hoped for, especially considering the fact that I was relying entirely on flash and slow shutter speeds.

That was the shoot done; an exhausting but exhilarating day that I thoroughly enjoyed and Sian certainly seemed to have a lot of fun.  The three of us make a good team and we spent some time discussing new ideas for future projects together.  Sian has always liked my relaxed approach to shoots – start with a coffee and chat; have fun, enjoy it and exchange ideas along the way.  Some photographers want you in the door: get working, click, click, bye bye.  I prefer to spend some time getting to know whoever I’m working with; make them feel welcome, appreciated and above all remember that a model is still a person first and a model second.  But as I told Sian at one point during the Railway Children shoot, “I’m not a normal photographer.”  “No”, she replied ruefully.  “You’re not even a normal person.”  That’s the highest accolade I’ve ever been paid, a comment I truly treasure.

Photo sets from this shoot will be made available at my Gallery as they are produced.

Sincere thanks to ‘Captain’ Bob Currell of Poshboatz for the use of the boat for the Bond Girl scenes.

Many thanks also to Spike Nepenthe of Nepenthe Recording Studios for providing a studio at such short notice to enable completion of the shoot.

Finally, of course, thanks again to Model Sian who gave her all with endless enthusiasm and energy throughout the day once again.  Any photographer looking for a model should book her right now.

The Cruel Stream

Last weekend I mentioned in passing that I went down to Ferry Meadows in order to undertake a spot of summer photography and got drenched as the Peterborough monsoon season got underway.  Well, it couldn’t happen for a second consecutive weekend at the height of summer, so on Saturday I packed my camera bag and once again headed south down the A1.  The primary focus of this trip was to take pictures of Poshboatz luxury pontoon craft in action on the River Nene during a charter in the morning, followed by general lake cruises during the afternoon.  Some photos may be destined for publicity purposes, so blue skies; blue water and passengers in T-shirts and shorts were the order of the day to send out the right message.

Well, I’m sure nobody will be surprised to learn that blue was most definitely not the colour of the day.  The skies were grey, the water was dark grey and even the trees and grass were dull and lifeless.  The perfect scenario for filming the sinking of the Lusitania, but hardly the picture postcard conditions I fondly – and somewhat optimistically – had planned before the shoot.

Still, this is Britain and high summer, so taking boat trips in conditions similar to the North Atlantic convoys during November 1943 isn’t unusual.  The guests for the charter turned up with supplies of food and drink, and more importantly, duffle coats and umbrellas.  The boat duly departed across the lake whilst I got on a High Speed Pursuit Vehicle (HiSPV in today’s parlance I suppose) to pedal around the lake and take some photos.  The bike was essential, as I’d planned the route in conjunction with Captain Bob so that I could be at various prime locations ahead of the boat, get some shots and move on to the next spot.  The boat would travel at around 5 mph, so I needed to be getting 10 to 15 mph out of my HiSPV.  This sounds easy sitting here at a PC, but the reality is different.  I spend far too much time driving a truck and eating Jayne’s full English breakfasts at the NVR café to be concerned about things like exercise.  There’ll be plenty of time to worry about that when I drop dead.  However, I was pleased to find out that I could maintain the requisite speed for distances of – oh, around 50 yards.  Actually, the main problem wasn’t my fitness – or lack of it – the problem was congestion.  Cycling around Ferry Meadows entails a lot of stops and starts to avoid dogs, children and people who meander all over the pavements without any purpose other than to get in your way.  And when you finally get some speed up, you have to stop to open a gate that stands across the path.  How good is that?  What Ferry Meadows needs a is dual carriageway…

Nevertheless, I made it to my chosen locations on time at each point, as I’d chosen some of the most photogenic places for the shoot.  Bluebell Suspension Bridge and the delightful stone arched Milton Ferry Bridge were the prime locations, with other riverside spots to add some variety.  Some of these pictures weren’t too bad, but it was so dull that Captain Bob was using the headlights on the boat to find the way ahead, and probably radar as well.  The pictures at Lynch Bridge featured passengers with umbrellas – the ultimate Photoshop challenge!

Once the cruise was over it seemed unlikely that there would be any takers for afternoon boat trips, so while Bob tidied up the boat I decided to head around to nearby Orton Mere for a coffee and chat with Old Arkwright on the NVR station, and get a shot or two of the train.  That, of course, was when the sun almost decided to emerge from hibernation.  After photographing the train I hot-pedalled it back to Overton Lake to discover that Bob was now busy with boatloads of visitors taking lake cruises.  The sun naturally went for some more shut-eye at this point, but for the next hour there was a steady stream of customers for the boat who were anxious to relive the conditions of The Cruel Sea.  My intention had been to take some long distance scenic landscapes with the boat, but without infrared or radar this just didn’t work.  I also made a mess of some settings when trying to be a bit clever; I have subsequently discovered that in order to be clever you require some intelligence in the first place.  Recent removal of some wisdom teeth presumably has a lot to answer for …

Despite the generally poor photos, I did actually enjoy the day.  There’s always a buzz when on a shoot, and it was nice to see the boat in action again.  I learned quite a bit about the new camera which hopefully I can use to advantage in the future, because I have another shoot booked at Ferry Meadows next Saturday – yes, August Bank Holiday weekend!  People of Peterborough, prepare your brollies, galoshes and Pakamacs now – you have been warned…

And upon returning home this happened.  The next person who says, "Oh well, good for the garden" will be trying out the efficiency of their local NHS services.

View the Photo Gallery for this shoot.

A Ferry Wet Day

Having got soaked on Saturday morning following my trip to Yarwell, I dried out on the NVR train down to Ferry Meadows Country Park to continue with my photography.  Ferry Meadows is an ideal place to practise taking pictures; there is plenty of wildlife that can be observed close up, some fantastic landscapes, boats on the River Nene and watersports on Gunwade Lake, plus trains running through the park on the NVR to add to the variety of subjects.  What more could you possibly ask for?  Well, five minutes of dry weather would be nice, but you can’t have everything.

I left the train and strolled down to Overton Lake, where the local wildfowl was, as usual, hanging around outside the café waiting for visitors to throw some enticing titbits to them.  Swans, Canada Geese, ducks and moorhens are the most popular birds around these parts, all vying to get their beaks into scraps of bread or left over caramel slices.  This presented a number of photo opportunities for some close up portrait work and action shots as various birds landed in the water of the lake.

With a train due on the Nene Valley, I moved to Lynch Bridge for a different style of action photography, as D306 Atlantic Conveyor trundled by with a Peterborough – Wansford service.  Trains slow down to cross the bridge, affording good opportunities to line up a nice shot.

Then I was off to have a go at using zoom and filters on Gunwade Lake, where a flotilla of sailing dinghies were out.  At least these people didn’t seem to mind getting caught in the frequent showers, particularly one man who spent more time in the water beside his capsized craft than actually sailing it.

Further walking took me to the pretty stone arched Milton Ferry Bridge across the Nene at the north end of the park, where I turned to make my way along the river to Yacht Club level crossing, arriving just in time to get caught by yet another downpour.  I stayed put as the train could be heard leaving Ferry Meadows station, and managed to get a decent picture of sorts as it accelerated past me and headed for Orton Mere.  That was my day pretty much done, so I walked down to Orton myself in order to catch the return train to Wansford.  There was time for a chat with Old Arkwright and Nathan at Orton Station, before taking the train back to Wansford and heading for home.

Overall it was an interesting day, and the unpredictable and ever changing weather conditions presented a good range of conditions to try out the camera and see what it could do.  I’m due back at Ferry next week for another shoot, so here’s hoping for a day without having to resort to the plastic mac again!

A Bird in the Hand

Ferry Meadows Country Park offers the visitor great variety in terms of things to see and do.  There’s the Nene Valley Railway of course, but also boat trips, watersports, cycling, golf, horse riding and cycling to name but a few.  Another popular pastime is ornithology as the park is home to a wide variety of bird life.  Indeed, during several visits to the area I’ve dabbled a bit and tried to take some interesting pictures whilst waiting for the trains – although photographing birds requires a certain amount of skill of which I don’t have much, plus a great deal of patience of which I have none whatsoever.   However, I did manage to take the above photo, plus this rather nice, if blurred, shot of a robin last Christmas as my nether regions gradually froze to the texture of granite whilst I waited for the Santa Special steam train to arrive at Ferry Meadows station.  The bird had been ducking and diving around the platform, never staying still long enough for a photo, when it landed on the station nameboard and remained there long enough for this picture to be taken.

I was therefore pleasantly surprised to view this stunning example of another bird perched at exactly the same spot a few days ago.  A fine example of perkupus tittis blonditicus, otherwise known by the more common household name as the full-breasted robyn.  

As you probably know, this is a member of the tit family.

Although the robyn is a common enough species in the UK, it is highly unusual to find one that has shed its plumage so far inland – normally these birds tend to divest themselves at the seaside, or within the confines of their own nest.  Finding one at a railway station would almost be enough to provoke an outbreak of conversation on a London commuter train.

This particular example is clearly a young female - like so many of the migrating species, tits tend to head south.  And with this breed as they get older, that’s where they stay.  However, in recent years some celebrity birds have been known to be artificially enhanced – the keen ornithologist easily spots these as they swell to three times their natural size and in most cases the body becomes a distinctive shade of Essex orange.

Kerry Katona’s friends thought that her 28th boob job made her look a bit of a has-bean.

The breeding habits of the robyn are well known and documented, but vary slightly from region to region.  Between the ages of 16 and 22 (or 12 and 13 in Middlesborough), robyns flit between a variety of mates, usually on Saturday nights.  The mating ritual involves drinking large amounts of cheap alcohol known as polly-filler, followed by a sacred dance barefoot around a handbag with a pair of high heels discarded to one side.  This ritual tells the sharp eyed male that his chosen partner is well up for a bit; he then has to make his move quickly as the rest of the flock will also be observing the females from close quarters.  The lucky male will approach the unsuspecting female from the cover of strobe lighting, his advance going undetected thanks to the natural distraction provided by Agadoo at 195 decibels.  With a well-refined technique handed down through the generations he will begin the courtship with, “Fancy a shag, pet?”  The pair will then retire discreetly to consummate their coupling in a Vauxhall Corsa or round the back of Argos.  This may be followed by an invitation to visit the female nest for ‘coffee’, which the male instinctively understands to mean ‘more sex.’  The ritual ends the following morning when each of the pair awake and see each other sober for the very first time.  Frequently this comes as a shock and the male will make a hasty exit from the nest, hoping to avoid the heart rendering and plaintive cry from the female of, “Call me …”

10 p.m.

10 a.m.

Mating generally takes place between different flocks, and usually with a similar species unless a lucky bird discovers a vast quantity of polly-filler and loses many, if not all, of her inhibitions.  However, in Spalding mating often takes place between members of the same family unit, which explains rather a lot.  

“I want you up and dressed before your three-eyed webbed-foot 

Dad gets home, son - or there’s no pocket money this week.”

More information about the mating habits of birds may be gleaned online with some research – try Googling ‘tits’ and you’ll have a staggering 94,900,000 sites to chose from, or so my researcher tells me.  I had no idea that there was so much interest in the subject - we live and learn.

Okay, I’d best confess and make a clean breast of things here – I didn’t actually take this photo; I’m just not that lucky.  And even if I had spotted her, I’d have had problems with camera shake – and please, no comments about a tripod.  That’s just unnecessary.  The picture was published in a recent issue of Nuts magazine, and came to light when it was discovered down at the Nene Valley Railway offices and handed around with much glee.  Publicity is publicity after all, and it was gratifying that Lorraine, 23, from Leicester chose to visit Ferry Meadows to perk herself up a bit.  No one is quite sure when the picture was taken, although my researcher suggests it must have been quite a chilly day.  No, I don’t understand either.  I’ve obviously led a very sheltered life.  I doubt if it was on a day when trains were running – that would have been quite a boob on her part.  And it gives a whole new meaning to 'Thomas’s Big Adventure', although it does explain the big smile on his face.

All of Thomas’s Christmases came at once.  But what would he tell Annie and Clarabel?

So, Lorraine – if you choose to visit the NVR again, please drop in and say hello.  We’d be delighted to see you; not that there’s much of you we haven’t seen already.  As my mother taught me years ago – a bird in the hand is worth two with a bush.  Or something like that.

"So how was it for ewe?"

Messing About on the Water

Poshboatz of Ferry Meadows have been putting the winter lay up to good use, with a complete revamp of their website. The new site features all of the Grumpy Git Productions videos, as well as photo galleries of Ferry Meadows Country Park. If you’re planning a day out and fancy something different, a boat trip on Poshboatz’ unique (to Britain) luxury craft is well worth considering. With leather seats and cupholders (it’s always the gadgets that appeal!) the boat is available for turn-up-and-go lake trips, or can be hired for private charters that venture out into the River Nene. It’s a fantastically relaxing experience to slowly cruise up the meandering river with a glass of chilled Chardonnay in one hand and a custard cream in the other – living the James Bond lifestyle to the full - and follow this with a high speed blast down Overton Lake to finish off with.

In addition, links to the many activities offered throughout the Park enable visitors to virtually plan a whole day out. Where else can you take a boat cruise, ride a steam train, play golf, windsurf, go on horseback or cycle to name but a few of the activities on offer, under one roof? Well, sky. You can even walk on water! For Tony Blair this is nothing new, but now anyone can take part by jumping into a hydrosphere, which is a flash way of saying plastic bubble. But it looks fun and has to be worth a go. There are cafes and children’s adventure play parks located within the 50 miles or so of footpaths and cycleways that run through the park, and with easy access from the A1 and parking for around £3 a day at peak times, you can’t really go wrong. Which is why I seem to spend so much of my free time down there.

Photos: Ferry Meadows in Summer

Photos: Ferry Meadows Winter Wonderland

Poshboatz have also launched their own blog to keep everyone informed about news and developments.

Making Movies

Following several weekends of hectic activity, I decided to have a quiet one at home and get caught up on a few jobs that needed doing. First task was to complete the quintet of films for Poshboatz at Peterborough. So far, I’ve uploaded two films, one for the overall feel of the boat and surroundings (Ferry Cross The Meadows), followed by When The Boat Comes In; a version that was aimed at the round the lake boat trips for visitors to Ferry Meadows. So far, so good – now let’s get creative.

Poshboatz III - Feel The Need … The Need for Speed

And now for something completely different - a short but action packed film highlighting the exhilaration of a high-speed run up and down Overton Lake. Bob suggested this film himself, and thought it would work well if the Formula One theme music was used. I had reservations, but decided to give it a try. My feeling was that the music would be too fast and racy for the boat, so that in effect the music would be moving too quickly for the action.

Of course, you don’t know if you don’t try, so I listened to the track several times and began to imagine that it could work – the music wasn’t as fast as I had thought; it is simply that when you watch the F1 titles, the action coupled to the distinctive beat and guitar chords creates a feeling of speed and power. That’s the power of good television. I wanted to use the original song by Fleetwood Mac (The Chain) for this version – most of the song is vocal, but with a long instrumental fade out of nearly 2 minutes – the perfect length of film for a short but thrilling sprint. Unfortunately copyright infringement prevented use of this track, so I found an instrumental version where the owners aren’t as touchy, and this was happily accepted.

The film is very simple, as it consists of only two elements - a high speed run seen from onboard, and a high speed run viewed from land. That’s it. I had several sequences from these runs, and by their nature they were lengthy clips. During filming I’d wanted to get the build up of power and acceleration, and then follow through the run itself all in a single take. For that reason, I cut the clips down to intermix with each other so as to create a more exciting film for the viewer. My favourite clip is the long centrepiece taken from onboard the boat, when Bob executed near enough a full 360° turn, and I was able to go sporty and get a full pan at odd angles. Very Top Gear, eh Clarkson? The great lighting helped out here as well. The clips were placed onto the soundtrack, and looked pretty good I have to say – Bob’s vision was right on the money, and I’m glad that I decided to try it out.

As for the title – well, something short and snappy that would arouse interest and provide a hint as to the nature of the film was required, and so The Fast and The Curious was born. Well, it is fast, and if you watch it you must be curious!

Poshboatz IV - The Director’s Cut

From thrills and spills to slow and graceful. The fourth film in the series was an addition to the series, and has been included to demonstrate all that is available when the boat is chartered privately. This film’s focus is primarily on the river, as I had a considerable amount of good footage that hadn’t made it into earlier films – it would be a shame not to use it.

As always, the soundtrack needed sourcing first. I believe that a film of this nature – where there is no dialogue – is 50% music and 50% vision. A good soundtrack makes all the difference in film; think of the fantastic score for Jaws or some of the great chase scenes in James Bond films. (My personal favourite, if I may digress once again, is the ski chase in The Spy Who Loved Me. The music and action are perfectly edited together to create a truly memorable piece of film).

The soundtrack I was seeking needed to be calm and relaxing with a steady pace, but with a rise and fall in places to match specific moments that I wanted to emphasise as I was looking at making a 5 to 6 minute film. As with all the other soundtracks, I wanted something that would be familiar to an audience, and it had to be very different to all the others to ensure that the film would be interesting and fresh. After looking around for a bit, I found exactly what I was looking for. Ennio Morricone writes fantastic film scores, and Chi Mai was just perfect.

I was working on creating the film with around 80% river footage, some lake scenes and rounded off with a hint of a high speed run. The river scenes that were filmed from the boat were made early in the morning, and this proved to be a gift in a photographic sense. The water was a sheet of glass, and the reflections could have been painted onto the surface. My favourite segments are the approach to the stone bridge at Milton Ferry, and the delightful scene where the grazing cows stop munching one by one to stare beadily at the stranger in their midst. That was a lovely moment.

The title is self-explanatory – it is from a Chris de Burgh song that I originally planned to use in the film, but Chi Mai suited my vision much more closely. Still, I kept the title, so Chris doesn’t need to feel too bad about it. From a technical and photographical point of view, I feel that this is the strongest film in the series.

Poshboatz V – This Time it’s Wild!

This film was not originally planned, and is a bit of fun to round off the series. When I uploaded all the clips and filed them into various headings, I was amazed at how many fell into the ‘wild life’ category. Whilst many clips would find their way into the main films, it seemed like a good idea to bring them altogether to round off the presentation, and include some unseen footage at the same time. Once again, music was the key here – I’d wanted to use the lovely theme music from Howard’s Way all along, but none of the films really suited it. The melody really flows along, and there is a lively up-tempo section three quarters of the way through, and that was ideal for some action shots that I’d been lucky enough to catch on the day. So for the final time, take to your leather armchairs as we cast off and head for Meadow’s Way.

So if you're in Peterborough, be sure to pop down to Overton lake and say 'Hi!' to Bob, before enjoying a relaxing trip in comfortable surroundings.

When The Boat Comes In

It is time for the launch of the latest film from the studios of Grumpy Git Productions. This is the second of several being produced for Poshboatz at Ferry Meadows, Peterborough. Each film serves a different and specific purpose, and today’s offering is aimed at attracting visitors to the traditional round-the-lake cruises.

The pace of this film remains constant, as the boat cruises around the lake at the same leisurely pace throughout the trip. Therefore the soundtrack needed to be a relaxing piece of music that would gently flow along, to pick up the viewer and transport them around the lake in a calm and unhurried fashion – I was going for the feel of a lazy Sunday afternoon here. Clair de Lune by Debussy admirably ticked all the boxes in this case, and whilst there are many versions available, I particularly enjoy this interpretation by Richard Clayderman and The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra.

So, be seated in one of the sumptuous leather armchairs, take a sip of your lightly chilled Sauvignon Blanc 1998 and nibble on a chocolate Hobnob as we cast off on a circuit of the lake …

Ferry 'Cross The Meadow - The Movie!

Following my previous post, I now present Grumpy Git Production's latest film, based on the water borne adventures I wrote about at the weekend. So without further ado - lights, camera, action...

Mother nature pulled out all the stops as can be clearly seen in the course of the film; timings of 'fly-pasts' were perfect (try telling a swan that you want to do another take!)and the lighting conditions spot on. The fisherman was totally genuine, even though he looks as though I hired him from a casting agency! He was more than happy to star in the film and just act naturally - the dog helped too! More films for Poshboatz are in production, due September.

Ferry 'Cross The Meadow

For the third time in about as many weeks, I found myself spending a weekend down at Nene Park, and more specifically, Ferry Meadows. My previous visits have been to the Nene Valley Railway that runs through the park, and ironically, it was the railway that indirectly brought me here today. Shortly after I uploaded Grumpy Git Productions’ epic movie (tongue firmly in cheek, I hasten to add) Murder on the Ferry Meadows Express, I received an e-mail from Bob Currell at Poshboatz asking if I’d be interested in creating a promotional video for his cruises on Overton Lake and the River Nene. The trips are operated by a unique luxury Bennington Pontoon Boat, similar to the type of craft seen in the Florida Everglades, or starring in Miami Vice.

I spent a day mulling the idea over as I drove around at work. Being a truck driver makes you a bit of a philosopher; it’s an ideal job to do if you need some quality thinking time every so often. As I zipped up and down the A1 – sorry, I was in the Iveco that week; make it ‘lurched’ up and down the A1 – I ran various scenarios through my mind, regarding the possibilities of filming. Bob had told me that various elements could be incorporated into the film as he offered regular trips around the lake, some trips up and down sections of the River Nene and charter trips for private hire that also included a high-speed sprint up and down the lake. All of this opened up plenty of interesting possibilities for filming, and I was keen to try a completely new project.

A date was agreed, and then it was fingers crossed and pray for a nice day in this barbeque summer we’re sort of not having. By now I had various ideas about filming and had done my research – I watched Titanic. There would be at least two, and maybe three films in all. One would focus on the lake trips that Bob runs most weekends during the season. The longer charters and river excursions deserved a video of their own, and as both of these films would be destined for Bob’s website, they would need some royalty free music overlaid on them to avoid making anyone cross. I also wanted to do a film for myself to put in this blog; I have something of an overblown sense of drama (you don’t say) and have a vision of what I wanted to achieve running through my head, along with a grandiose soundtrack to accompany it, of course! I rather object to legal niceties getting in the way of my creativity, I have to say. I am more than happy to pay to download some tracks, as I do believe that whoever has composed and performed some music should receive a reward. Once paid for, however, I also wish to add that track to a video and stick it on YouTube – as long as I’m not making money out of it, then all I’m doing is bringing that music to a wider audience – the whole point of music in the first place, I think. M’lud.

Anyway, with the vision sorted, all that remained was to put it into practise. The forecast was promising, so I decided to start at dawn to film some scene-setting sequences. Daybreak is my favourite time of day, particularly on water, so it was too good a chance to miss. It also offered the benefit of getting a parking place. I got to Nene Park at around 05:30 just as the sun was gearing up for the day in a thankfully cloudless sky – somebody up there clearly likes Bob. Big style. I retrieved my transport for the day out of the car – my trusty bike was having another outing! This would be ideal for commuting around the lake and alongside the river, as Ferry Meadows is well served by cycle paths. I spent some time getting film and photos as the new day woke up; the reflections in the glass-calm of the lake and river were outstanding. The park that thrums with visitors during the day was serene and quiet, with only birds and rabbits up and about, and wondering why some nutter was also up so early on a Saturday.

With dawn sorted out photographically, I met Bob at the landing stage and we went through the day’s schedule over a mug of coffee. The morning would be taken up with filming from the boat as we cruised around the lake before a couple of high speed runs, and then venture up and downstream for more footage. Returning to shore, I would disembark so that all the previous runs could be re-run, but with passengers aboard, and I’d be filming from the lake and riverside. During the afternoon, Bob would run his normal lake cruises and that would give me plenty of opportunity for further filming and photos. It was a good schedule to work with, and made life so much easier.

The boat itself is an amazing piece of kit. I’ve never seen anything like it in the UK, and indeed this one had been specially imported from America. The Bennington 2575 RFS has 12 luxury leather seats (with cupholders – I like that) and is known as a ‘Pontoon Boat’ as it essentially has two narrow hulls connected by a single deck across the top. This particular boat is top of the range, and the moment you step aboard, you feel like James Bond. It would be a wonderful way to spend an evening; cruising the river with a glass of Zinfandel or vodka martini; a bevy of bikini-clad beauties sunning themselves at the stern, with perhaps a string quartet playing Debussy while you nibbled on a sausage-on-a-stick (look, this is Peterborough, all right?)


Filming was a great experience, and the local bird life played to the camera on several occasions. For some of those occasions, I even had the camera switched on and pointing in the right direction. Boy, is filming wildlife tricky! I have more respect than ever for David Attenborough and his camera crews.


The high-speed runs were exhilarating, as the bow of the boat lifts up and planes at speed. Out on the Nene, we headed upstream first, through the beautiful woods in Nene Park as far the lovely stone arched bridge at Milton Ferry.



Downstream, we cruised through the extensive Peterborough Yacht Club moorings as far as Orton Lock, just in time to see a launch entering to negotiate the section of river that runs through Peterborough city centre.


After that, we returned past the golf club (yes, I got an action shot!) and back into the lake. Bob then took on real passengers, while I basically commuted from place to place for photos and filming. We kept in touch by two-way radio, so I felt more like than Spielberg than ever. I haven’t got round to calling everyone ‘luvvie’ yet, but that day cannot be far away. Let’s just hope I’m not at work when it does come, I say …

As always in filming, I got some magnificent shots that worked better than I could ever have hoped for, and others that just didn’t work – my voiceovers on these shots tend to be clear and succinct; you don’t notice you’re doing it until you play the clips back at home and hear a veritable feast of Gordon Ramsey expletives coming out of the computer! It's frustrating to be halfway through a fantastic panning shot and then knock the tripod over, though. “Oh dear, what a silly-billy I am,” is the correct phrase to use in this context. And that’s what I’ll say next time …..

By mid afternoon I had plenty of footage and filled two SD cards, so it was time to head for home and the long job of uploading everything. Editing will follow, and in due course I hope to have a film ready for release. It really was a great day out; thanks must go to Bob at Poshboatz for coming up with idea and being great to work with on the day, and I’m even grateful to whoever was doing the weather today, as it was rather nice.

I need a nice one-liner to bring this piece to a close, so I’ll let Ratty do the honours, “Believe me, my young friend, there is nothing - absolutely nothing - half so much worth doing as simply messing about in boats."