Come Fly With Me

It’s holiday time, and as I’m due to depart from Stansted Airport on Tuesday, I have just been online to check-in for my flight to Krakow in Poland. Actually, I’m flying Ryanair, so I’m not sure how close to Krakow we’re going to land, but I’ve got guidebooks for Lithuania and Estonia to hand so it should be okay. The fare was a very reasonable £14, although Gordon’s ‘Green Tax’ bumped this up considerably; however, we need a ‘Green Tax’ so that Gordy and Cabinet Ministers can ride around London in 6 litre V12 Jaguars, whilst telling us to use our cars less and downsize to driving around on Flymos. Hey, as long as they’re not being hypocritical about it, then that’s fine by me.

I avoided as many of Ryanair’s scams – sorry, optional extras – as possible during the booking process, although I’m sure that I’ll pay, and pay dearly, for this later on. Firstly, check-in. Yes, they now charge for this if you have the temerity to check-in at the airport, even though the plane lives there. Checking in from home, or even McDonalds if you’ve got wi-fi, is free. Would you like fries with your ticket? I’ve just done this, and it seems to work well. So far. I’ve decided to take hand baggage only, basically because not only do they lose checked bags, they now charge you for the privilege of losing them. At first I thought this would mean cutting down a bit. Now that I’ve actually measured the sort of bag that they define as hand baggage, I’m down to one shirt, change of underwear, my guidebooks of Estonia and Lithuania plus a pack of condoms. Well, that’s the essentials catered for, plus something to aspire to.

Ryanair soon discovered that the Tommy Cooper look
was never going to be a commercial success.

I actually have a great hand-baggage-wheeled-mini-suitcase type of thing, which is perfect. Well, perfect for Easyjet, Wizz!, Aerosvit, British Airways and National Express. Not so perfect if you’re going Ryanair. The case itself is almost regulation size, but the wheels and handle give it a height of 60 cm, which is 5 cm higher than the limit. Most sensible people overlook this extra length, which is why they are employed by Easyjet, Wizz!, Aerosvit, British Airways and National Express – although not for much longer in the case of the latter. Ryanair, however, see things differently – and they’ve sent me 3 e-mails this week telling me that because I’m such a tight arse and only taking hand baggage, then they’ll be making damn sure it’s the right size – and if it’s as much a frog’s eyebrow too large, then it’ll be 30 Euros on the day plus a hard stare from the girl on the desk. Consequently, I’m now taking a smallish backpack with wheels – rather a contradiction in terms, but it’s just great – that will definitely fit, because I will make it fit. My clothes may suffer, and people in Krakow may well come up and ask for a copy Big Issue, but yes, it will fit.

"No, dear, he's not a tramp - he's just got off a Ryanair flight."

They also want me to purchase what they call ‘Priority Boarding.’ This means you may board the plane before anybody else, including the cabin crew, except for the 150 other people who also purchased Priority Boarding. It seems to me that irrespective of when you board the plane, there’s a reasonable chance that everybody will depart and arrive at around about the same time. So that is why I’m not shelling out £15. On a more prosaic note, I would rather be boarding the flight after most of the other passengers have boarded, so that I can see exactly where the shell-suited McMunchers are sitting - and avoid them. I’d be seriously annoyed to pay for Priority Boarding, and get the best seat on the plane (it’s on the black box if you’re wondering), only to get Vicky Pollard and family decamping next to me for a 3-hour flight. Yes, had it all before.

"Just find my mum and she'll pay the extra, mister, pleeeeeease!!!"

The airline never seems to be short of dreaming up new and ingenious ideas to squeeze passengers for cash in evermore imaginative ways. Based on the success of London Underground, they’ve now figured that you can get twice as many people aboard by making them stand up. This is true; it’s been on the news during the week. That’s really going to get your day off to a good start, isn’t it? Bad enough on the daily Peterborough to Kings Cross commute, but when you’re on holiday? And if you have to stand up, where, exactly, are you supposed to put all the crap, sorry, selection of gifts and merchandise, that they constantly try to sell during the flight – not to mention the overpriced cups of froth (cappuccino) plus cheese butties (ciabattas) that pass for in flight catering? I don’t fancy handling that lot while clinging to the ceiling mounted grab rail during bouts of turbulence …

They also don’t seem to have factored in that twice as many passengers on a 737 means twice as much weight (or four times if there’s a hen party from Romford aboard), plus twice as much baggage. Even allowing for Ryanair’s punitive idea of hand-baggage, there isn’t enough space in the overhead lockers for everybody’s bags, coats, laptops, jackets, duty-frees and children as things are now. So where will all this additional clobber go? Tied to the undercarriage? I’m no aviation expert, but I understand a thing or two about loading. Extra weight obviously means that the plane needs plenty of additional fuel, which is going to cost a lot more come filling up time. So who’s going to pay for that? Ryanair – or us? Answers on a postcard to Michael O’Leary, please.

"... oh, and George, don't forget to collect the nectar points."

On the flip side of this, however, twice as many passengers drinking cups of froth and eating cheese butties will double the uptake at the toilets – £1 for Trap 1; £2 for Trap 2 and a fiver if you had an Indian and a Guinness last night.

Come fly with me – but bring your wallet.