Most of this morning at work was taken up with a health and safety meeting. There’s 3 hours of my life I won’t get back. I don’t recall much of what Emma was banging on her about (not her real name, which is Samantha, but to protect the guilty etc, etc) because my mind went off into a limbo sometime in between high visibility jackets and safety goggles.
My thoughts turned to what might happen if I ever had the misfortune to date one of these self-styled Waffen Schutzstaffel officials, who deem every single facet of life to be impractical and unsafe. I’m convinced that their goal is to make every employee carry a handbell, and walk around droning, “unsafe, unsafe …” as in medieval times.
Naturally, the question of sex is impossible with a Health & Safety Official (or bastard, as I prefer to think of them). For a start, if you were to even contemplate shagging Emma then you’d need to be well tanked up on a few John Smiths with Tequila Slammers to follow. At which point, any further progress would be met with, “You may not operate any moving parts under the influence of alcohol.” There is something in this; there is a decidedly likely risk of crushing injury if you operate Emma incorrectly …
So, you’ve remained sober and made it to the bedroom. Before commencing foreplay, you need to do a 17-page risk assessment of all the bedroom furniture and ensure that it is safe for purpose. If you intend to jump off the wardrobe then you must only climb onto it via a pair of authorised stepladders, and even then only if you’ve passed the ‘Ladder & Stairway Awareness Course’ and have another 2 people holding onto it. Should you intend to impress your paramour by leaping from the wardrobe via a Tarzan style swing from the chandelier (or lamp flex if you live in Bradford) then boy, do you need to do some planning. Firstly, your chandelier must be load tested, and have the maximum load weight clearly labelled on a yellow sticker. Secondly, it must not be above head height. Thirdly, you may only ascend to the chandelier by an authorised stepladder with a fully trained Stepladder & Stairways assessor present, and then once at your destination, you must wear an approved safety harness. You may then descend in a safe and orderly manner to the bed.
Emma will now be lying there ready for you to start, assuming she’s filled in her risk assessment of Bonking & Bouncing correctly (Form 317/125 P6 sub para 16 if you need one). If you’re thinking about going down, then ensure that you're wearing your hard hat (not to be confused in this example with your hard helmet, which I can assure you is something very different), as you’ll be working in a confined area with likely risk of head contact. Should Emma decide to return the favour, then ensure she’s wearing her safety goggles against any chance of sudden splashes into her eyes.
Ready for a night of passion, Health & Safety style.
You can now get down to business, having donned your high visibility jacket so that others can see you and steer clear. You must also don your PPE (penis protection equipment) to avoid a rash of unwanted health and safety officials being born nine months down the line. You may also be required to wear ear defenders should Emma make sufficient noise to warrant ear protection, although I can assure you that she usually sends everyone to sleep, and the only equipment required is a good alarm clock. Speaking of which, my own alarm clock is buzzing loudly and waking me from my health and safety reverie, so at last I can go and do some work - and actually make some money for the company, so that we can spend it on useless H&S equipment. Hope we can still afford to be in business for the next exciting health and safety meeting!
Safe Sex, as approved by the Health & Safety Executive
My thoughts turned to what might happen if I ever had the misfortune to date one of these self-styled Waffen Schutzstaffel officials, who deem every single facet of life to be impractical and unsafe. I’m convinced that their goal is to make every employee carry a handbell, and walk around droning, “unsafe, unsafe …” as in medieval times.
Naturally, the question of sex is impossible with a Health & Safety Official (or bastard, as I prefer to think of them). For a start, if you were to even contemplate shagging Emma then you’d need to be well tanked up on a few John Smiths with Tequila Slammers to follow. At which point, any further progress would be met with, “You may not operate any moving parts under the influence of alcohol.” There is something in this; there is a decidedly likely risk of crushing injury if you operate Emma incorrectly …
So, you’ve remained sober and made it to the bedroom. Before commencing foreplay, you need to do a 17-page risk assessment of all the bedroom furniture and ensure that it is safe for purpose. If you intend to jump off the wardrobe then you must only climb onto it via a pair of authorised stepladders, and even then only if you’ve passed the ‘Ladder & Stairway Awareness Course’ and have another 2 people holding onto it. Should you intend to impress your paramour by leaping from the wardrobe via a Tarzan style swing from the chandelier (or lamp flex if you live in Bradford) then boy, do you need to do some planning. Firstly, your chandelier must be load tested, and have the maximum load weight clearly labelled on a yellow sticker. Secondly, it must not be above head height. Thirdly, you may only ascend to the chandelier by an authorised stepladder with a fully trained Stepladder & Stairways assessor present, and then once at your destination, you must wear an approved safety harness. You may then descend in a safe and orderly manner to the bed.
Emma will now be lying there ready for you to start, assuming she’s filled in her risk assessment of Bonking & Bouncing correctly (Form 317/125 P6 sub para 16 if you need one). If you’re thinking about going down, then ensure that you're wearing your hard hat (not to be confused in this example with your hard helmet, which I can assure you is something very different), as you’ll be working in a confined area with likely risk of head contact. Should Emma decide to return the favour, then ensure she’s wearing her safety goggles against any chance of sudden splashes into her eyes.
Ready for a night of passion, Health & Safety style.You can now get down to business, having donned your high visibility jacket so that others can see you and steer clear. You must also don your PPE (penis protection equipment) to avoid a rash of unwanted health and safety officials being born nine months down the line. You may also be required to wear ear defenders should Emma make sufficient noise to warrant ear protection, although I can assure you that she usually sends everyone to sleep, and the only equipment required is a good alarm clock. Speaking of which, my own alarm clock is buzzing loudly and waking me from my health and safety reverie, so at last I can go and do some work - and actually make some money for the company, so that we can spend it on useless H&S equipment. Hope we can still afford to be in business for the next exciting health and safety meeting!
Safe Sex, as approved by the Health & Safety Executive
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